A letter to the ladies

By Adeyehun Tosin

Dear sister Virginia,

I heard you talking to your friends about why you don’t deserve the way he treats you, I heard you say; “he met me a virgin, so I don’t deserve to be treated badly”.  This reminds me of how I used to think that I deserved to be treated like a queen by my first boyfriend ‘just because’ I was a virgin. Of course, I deserved to be treated like a queen and you also deserve such but not just because of the hymen, it’s because everyone deserves to be treated well. (As long as you also treat people well).  I have also heard you say; “despite the fact that it is rare to find one, I kept myself for him, so, it is something he should treasure for the rest of his life”. Yes! It is rare, and yes it is a treasure but if I may ask; is it only the hymen that is to be treasured or the body and the being? Please wake up from the thought that it is a gold medal or a ticket to a hurdles-free relationship.  Are you saying that just because a girl has lost it, she deserves to be treated badly?

The issue of sexual purity is a topic that is being upheld in many religious sectors across the world, but what worries me is how it has been confused with being virtuous and how it should be the ticket to a happily-ever-after,(most especially in Christianity according to Nigerians). They have so much emphasized it that some religious folks think that being a virgin makes one less of a sinner than those who have lost it and thus deserve a gold medal. Hence, they ignore other moral values and keep on breeding figures that are just sorry excuses for a woman.  In fact, I don’t really understand; does hymen even connote sexual purity? Have you met the 21st century virgin? (That’s a topic for another day).

As a virgin, if you meet a guy who falls in love with you, you need something more than the presence of a hymen to keep the relationship. Even if he is awed and captivated by your sexual purity at first, he can’t hold on to that forever because that alone cannot keep it moving. This implies that, if you do not have what it takes to keep a relationship, your hymen will fail you.

Also, some of you go into a wrong relationship thinking that the hymen is a healing balm or an appurtenance for deliverance from the ‘spirit of promiscuity’: If as a virgin you decide to go into a relationship with brother lothario, who pollinates as many flowers as he gets, and you hope to change him by the powers of your hymen, you are joking. Focusing on your hymen is just like focusing on your curves or focusing on the kind of car he drives; they don’t matter. Some of you don’t even care to check whether he is a good man or not; you think that as long as you are gifting him your hymen, he can be cajoled into treating you right? Be wise! Wisdom is said to be the principal thing, not hymen.

In addition, there are those of you who think that being a virgin covers up your flaws; If you are a gossip, a pathological liar, a cheat, or just devoid of moral values and you have your beloved hymen, stop chasing shadows. Rather, find a way of working on yourself. Stop dreaming of finding someone who would love you just for the sake of it.

I know that some holier-than-thou people would jump up and interpret this article on the surface showcasing their religious prowess by quoting passages from religious books about sexual purity and try to castigate me. It all still boils down to common sense and it is important that we learn how to intelligently dissect issues. Of course, I subscribe to sexual purity; I just don’t think that your personal value should depend on your virginity; that a girl’s worth is a matter of sexual purity, and I also don’t think that virginity guarantees that he would treat you well.

It worries me that some of you don’t have any other thing aside that hymen. If you come into a relationship empty headed, but with your hymen, do you think he would not rather marry sister jezebel who is mentally productive and fruitful and of a good character? Maybe you need someone to tell you that a good sex would sustain a relationship more than your hymen would (and you even know how far that can go). So, Sister Virginia, bring something to the table apart from your hymen.

Focus on something more productive.  Stop giving them the liberty of saying that you belong to ‘the other room’ alone; make them see that you have the key to every room that they belong to.

l